by Bella Thompson
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Kristen. She lived in a land of enchantment near the city of the queen and lived a life not dissimilar to that of the other princess around her. She had a mother, a father, and a bratty little brother. She went to school and played and said her prayers and was oh so good and sweet that she could have sent a diabetic into insulin shock (actually she was kind of a trollop, but you’re not allowed to insinuate the heroine of a fairy tale is a woman of loose virtue). Life was good for Princess Kristen and for those who loved and cared for her (except for the peasants, servants, and slaves in the kingdom; life sucked no matter what was happening, but they didn’t really count as people anyway). When Princess Kristen had come of age she was sent to the Land of Ivory Towers as was the custom at the time. The Land of Ivory Towers was were parents sent their children upon reaching adulthood and where the magic of the Ivory Towers was supposed to give them the wisdom and maturity to succeed in life. Princess Kristen had heard a great many things about the Land of Ivory Towers, it was supposed to great fun and “the best time of her life”, but she still felt a great deal of trepidation as she set out on her arduous journey. In order for Princess Kristen to reach the Land of the Ivory Towers she had to traverse the Land the Wicked Witch, climb the Gumdrop Mountains, and cross the River of Blood (really more of a small stream mixed with red food coloring). And so many months (ok a drive of about 90 minutes, but you can’t say that) she reached the Land of the Ivory Towers. The Towers rose impossibly high disappearing into the clouds, leaning at odd angles, and with extra bits that seemed to hang on in defiance of gravity and common sense. It was all a truly most impressive sight and Princess Kristen was still staring in awe at the structures visible from outside the gate and did not notice the small goblin standing in front of her. After a few moments of waiting to be noticed the goblin became impatient, as is the nature of goblins, so he kicked her, hard, in the shin. She cried out and looked down to see what had kicked her while hopping on one foot nursing her bruised shin. The goblin stared up at her his yellow eyes glowing, grinning a grin that revealed more sharp, and crooked, and rotted teeth then Princess Kristen had ever seen, and breathe that could choke a dung beetle. “What a horrible little creature,” Princess Kristen exclaimed as she hopped backward in the vain attempt to escape the goblin’s breathe. The goblin grunted and pointed to a little badge pinned to his chest (and in this case, this is not a literate way of saying it was pinned to his shirt around his chest area, but, as the goblin wore no clothing of any kind, the button was pinned through his leathery greenish-brown skin). Princess Kristen bent down to get a better look at the button and read the words “Admissions” printed on it. “Oh I see,” she said. And then looking down a little further she saw just how naked the goblin was. “Is it painful to have such a large snake biting you down there,” she asked causing the goblin’s grin to become even more awful, to morph into something beyond hideous so that it’s horror now almost held beauty and in that grin was a dreadful, highly suggestive, leer. Princess Kristen catching the meaning of the goblin’s grin/leer she stepped back again, blushing and murmuring, “Oh my!” under her breath as she raised her hand to her mouth as if to hide her shock. The goblin snickered and turned indicating that she should follow. The goblin led Princess Kristen to a ring of huts next to the main gate. A banner strung between the huts read, “Sadistic Archaic Torture”. After reading these strange words she looked down at her admissions officer and asked, “What is all this about?” The goblin jerked his thumb to a sign nailed to a nearby tree, which read, “All those wishing to enter the Land of the Ivory Towers must have a minimum of 1000 on the SATs and a B average.” “But I’m a princess.” The goblin jerked his thumb again and Princess Kristen read on, “No exceptions! Everyone here is a prince or princess or some such and everyone must have minimum 1000 SAT and B average to gain entrance. This means you Princess Kristen!” “But how does it know…?” The goblin jerked its thumb one final time at the sign and Princess Kristen looked at the very bottom of the sign and saw a strange horned symbol with the legend “made by PaGaN™ Industries Fueled by Satan©”. Kristen nodded, PaGaN™ was the leading magic corporation in the land, all the princes and princesses wanted to get jobs there when they left the Land of the Ivory Towers, and Satan© was the newest, best magic processing system the company had yet released. After Princess Kristen had finished reading the sign, the goblin led her to the first of the huts (she could tell it was the first one because of the big number one nailed to the outside; she was going to do well on the test she knew). Inside was a middle aged man with long wild hair and an even longer and wilder beard, in fact the beard was so wild it gone out and killed a deer earlier in the day and was gnawing on the carcass as the man spoke to Kristen. “Come in, come in,” he told her in a booming, jovial voice. “Don’t let the beard frighten you he’s a scamp. Now you want to go to the Land of the Ivory Towers, eh?” “Yes sir,” she said not sure of what else to say. “And you’re a princess, eh?” “Yes.” “Well then for your first test you must spin this pile of hay into gold before the night is out.” The bearded man stepped aside to reveal a large pile of hay stacked up in one corner of the hut next to a spinning wheel. Princess Kristen looked first from the pile and then to the bearded man unsure of what say and more than a little nervous because the ma’s beard continued to growl at her. More to get a way from the beard than anything else she walked over to the spinning wheel and the pile of hay, she began to relax. The farther away from the odd man and his sinister beard the more relaxed she became. Soon she was remembering all those practice Sadistic Archaic Tests her parents had made her take and her confidence returned. Princess Kristen set down on the stool and began to run the hay through the wheel while running the pedal with her foot. The hay went in one end and when it came out it was no longer hay, but gold as fine as silk for weaving clothes of pure gold, and bars of gold and golden jewelry. She spun through the night, the pile of hay getting smaller and smaller as she spun, the man and his beard looking on the entire time, occasionally looking at the sky outside and announcing her remaining time. As the glowing eyes of the man’s beard continued to stare at her she began to become nervous again and her work began to suffer. Finally dawn came as she finished the last of her hay pile. The bearded man had been watching the sky intensely and as the suns golden rays, though more orange and red this early, began to creep into horizon he turned his head and said, “All right, all right, times up. Put your hay down and step away from the loom.” Princess Kristen rose from her seat and stood off to the side as the man and his beard inspected her work, occasionally making a tick mark on a piece of paper he held in his beard. Minutes ticked by as he sorted his way through the pile of gold before he called Kristen over to receive her score. “Well,” he began making a wet sucking noise with his teeth that his beard imitated. “You did pretty well although you did have a fair amount of fool’s gold,” he kicked a small pile of bars that had been set aside from the reset “and you also had some gold plated jewelry” and he kicked another pile “but other than that you did all right. Here’s your score and your goblin will escort you to the next test.” “Thank you,” Princess Kristen murmured as she took the piece of paper from the man being careful to avoid his beard. Once outside the goblin was waiting to escort Princess Kristen to the next hut. At least she thought it was the same goblin. To be sure she asked, “Are you the same goblin from before?” The goblin gestured to a sign nailed to a tree next to the first hut. The sign read “Yes, Princess Kristen, I’m the same goblin from before.” Kristen stared at the paper for a moment before asking in a halting voice, “How can it know what I’m going to ask?” The goblin once again jerked his thumb to the sign with a smirk. Princess Kristen looked at the sign and read “This is psychic paper presented by PaGaN ™ and fueled by Satan©.” “Oh,” she said as the goblin led her to the next hut conveniently with a sign reading “2”. The goblin stopped outside the hut as Princess Kristen went inside where she was met by a hunched old man with one eye. Princess Kristen wasn’t sure what to do as getting much closer to the old man would involve contacting several rather unpleasant looking diseases. The large uncomfortable gulf of silence was finally bridged by the old man when he said, “Ah Princess Kristen it is now time for your second test. In this test you must finger my prick…” Princess Kristen stared at the old man in horror, she could feel her gag reflex starting, Before her gorge could completely rise, the old man shook his head and began again, “I mean, in this test you must be pricked on the finger by a pin, don’t why I said the other thing, I’ve been doing that all day. Weird huh?” Princess Kristen tried to regain her composure as the old man stared into nothing pondering his Freudian slip and eventually Kristen was able to break his reverie by saying, “I’m ready.” Unfortunately, however, the old man had lost his place in the conversation. “What are you ready for my dear?” “I’m ready,” Princess Kristen began. “To finger your prick,” and she blushed a deep crimson and tried to recover. “I mean I’m ready for you to prick my finger with a pin.” “Ah yes, quite right,” the old man said apparently not noticing Princess Kristen’s own Freudian slip. He removed a rather long and wicked looking pin for the depths of his decrepit clothing. Despite the dirt and grime that seemed to cover every inch of the man and his clothing, the pin was pristine and shining as if fresh from the cooling forge. The old man examined the pin for a minute as if unsure of what to do with it and then as the ancient neurons began to fire, he held out his hand to Princess Kristen. With quite a bit of fear, Princess Kristen extended one of her own hands and let the old man grip it with her palm facing up. Then the old man brought down the pin and pricked her index finger and everything went black. When she came to she was in the middle of a furious lip-lock with a rather handsome young man of about her own age. Part of her wanted to start screaming about date rape, but that voice was over ruled by the rest of her which was enjoying making out with the handsome young man. Eventually, the sound of a throat clearing itself in a manner meant to remind two people that a third was in the room, caused Princess Kristen and her new friend to stop kissing and look around. The old man stood watching them, once he saw he had their attention he grinned, and immediately they wished he had not just shown them the place where wicked teeth go when they die. “Ah you both preformed quite well, if a bit over-enthusiastic towards the end.” Princess Kristen and the young man stared perplexed and then at the same time said, “Sorry, what?” “Ah, well,” the old man began confused by their confusion. “To test her princess abilities, we put her into an enchanted sleep with this pin,” he held up the pin, “and then wake her, as this requires a kiss from a handsome prince it’s a good way to test two birds with one stone as it were.” The old man seemed to think that the explanation he had given settled everything and so he handed them their test scores and shoed them out of the hut. Once outside Princess Kristen stopped the handsome young prince and wrote her name on his sheet giving him a wink and then as he stared at her name on his paper she stared at something else, very glad that tights on men were in fashion. When the young prince had left, she looked down and saw a goblin she was pretty sure was “her” goblin and before she could even say anything the goblin jerked his thumb to another of the conveniently posted psychic paper signs, which read, “Yes I’m the same goblin you’ve been with the whole time.” “Oh,” Princess Kristen said. “Then lead on McDuff.” Before leading the way to the final hut the goblin jerked his thumb to the sign again. It now read, “The line is ‘lay on McDuff’” When Princess Kristen entered the final hut she was quite surprised to find a gorgeous woman maybe five years older than herself standing there next to a tower of mattresses. Thoughts began to race through Princess Kristen’s head, for while she wasn’t “in to women”, well yes there had been some “experimentation” at a few parties in high school with some friends when drunk, but everyone knew those didn’t count, this woman was so breathtakingly beautiful that even Princess Kristen felt the urge to toss the woman onto the tower of beds and ravage her. The woman smiled a porcelain white smile, with the hint of a wink in the eye; as if she knew the effect she had on people and was not displeased with the x-rated thoughts that were running through the Princess’ mind at the moment. When the woman finally spoke, Princess Kristen had a hard time listening to what was being said and not focusing on the woman’s perfectly shaped, cherry red lips. “You must climb to the top of these mattresses,” the woman said in a voice just as seductive as the rest of her. “You will sleep there and see if you can feel the penis.” This last part caused Princess Kristen to jerk her attention from the intoxicating lips and look the woman in the eyes, which were less seductive and more, the depths of pure evil, a gateway into the seventh circle of hell. “I’m sorry ma’am,” Princess Kristen said. “But could you repeat that? I think I miss heard something.” The woman sighed and tapped her foot, fire, no doubt being stoked by the demons in that outer circle, blazed in her eyes. “I said,” she began impatience causing her voice to loose some of that seductive quality so that it now sounded more like the hiss of an attacking snake. “That you must climb to the top of these mattresses and to sleep in order to see if you can feel the pea. The pea will be under all the mattresses.” “Oh pea,” Princess Kristen said nodding her head and smiling. “I thought you said something completely different.” The woman eyed Princess Kristen, some of the foreplay coming back into her attitude. “And just what did you think I said?” Still remembering the fire in the eyes and the hiss in the voice Princess Kristen blushed and looked down. “Oh nothing, nothing much, I just misheard you is all.” “Very well then,” the woman said in an imperious tone. “Climb and sleep if you can, I will check on you in the morning.” Princess Kristen climbed to the top of the tower and tried to settle herself. As the night wore on she tossed and turned never able to get comfortable, never able to settle and fall asleep. This had far less to do with the pea somewhere below oh so many feet of mattresses and more to do with the thoughts of the woman and the young princess and even the ironically proportioned goblin running though her head. The thoughts, while highly enticing and enjoyable, they did not exactly put her in the peaceful frame of mind. Eventually, the first light of dawn was breaking and Princess Kristen still had not slept a wink and the, what might be termed frustration that had been building all night, was at a crescendo. “Ah I see you’re awake, Princess,” the woman said from the top of the ladder. Upon seeing the seductive vixen, Princess Kristen nearly launched herself at the woman in order to start fulfilling some of things that had been running through her head all night. The woman seemed to catch this “frustration” coming off the Princess like a scent and grinned that grin with the implied suggestive wink inside. “I see you have not gotten a wink of sleep…” the grin turned into that of a wolf “although now its time to see if it was because of the pea or… ‘something’ else.” Princess Kristen followed the woman to the bottom of the ladder. The woman turned to Princess Kristen and said, “The pea is somewhere under the first ten mattresses, find it to complete the test.” Princess Kristen sighed and stuck her hand underneath the first mattress. There was no pea there. She could feel the almost mocking stare of the gorgeous woman, and now thoughts of lust mixed with thoughts of homicide. Princess Kristen smiled at the beauty and plunged her hand in between the seventh and eighth mattresses about three-quarters of the way to the back, much to her own surprise, which she tried to hide; her hand came out clutching the pea. The fire returned to seductress’ eyes as she made a mark on the test paper and handed it to the Princess with a bad grace. And that is how Princess Kristen gained entrance into the Land of the Ivory Towers. Once inside the great walls that separated those worthy of admittance from the unwashed masses, she was exposed to all kinds of ideas everything from the rights and freedoms of man, to the equality of all mankind and other egalitarian ideas. The Land was a great repository of knowledge and she learned a great deal. She learned interesting things like a2+b2=c2, magical things like how to divide by zero, and practical things like how to do a keg stand for more than 60 seconds without falling out of your top. The Land of the Ivory Towers was everything she had heard and more. After a year an old friend appeared inside the walls of the Land of the Ivory Towers. Actually, friend was the wrong word, at least at the time, more of an old acquaintance. He was a jester from her own land and was chubby and jolly and funny as jesters are supposed to be. Princess Kristen was surprised to the jester on this side of the walls as it was not “his scene”, but she greeted him with joy and enthusiasm. “Oh Jester, how are you?” she asked smiling the bright smile of hers that lit the night and launched at least a couple of hundred ships. The Jester smiled and bobbed his head, the bells on the top of his hat jingling as he did so. “Oh my Lady,” he began in that slightly confused voice of his. “What a joyous joy it is to see you. Is it not said that in the elitist oligarchical breeding grounds that you will make new friends and re-new old acquaintances?” Princess Kristen tilted her head to the side, still smiling, but incredibly uncertain of what exactly the fool had just said. “Pardon me?” “Oh do excuse me my Lady, I am just a fool, pay no attention to the foolishly foolish things that come out of my mouth, for it is said that ‘who is more foolish the fool or the fool who follows the fool’.” “Oh you are silly Jester.” “Thank you my Lady and I don’t even have to try.” From that day on the Jester was Princess Kristen’s friend, maybe not her best friend, but certainly like her puppy at least. The days wore on the seasons changed, and the Princess saw the Jester regularly at parties and throughout the Land of the Ivory Towers. The Jester always made a point of letting the Princess know that seeing her made his day better every time they met, and this in its own little way made the Princess feel better. All was peace and happiness for sometime, until one the Jester came to Princess Kristen in a nervous twitter. Seeing the Jester in such a state alarmed the Princess for while fool he may be a twitter he was not. She looked into the scared, watery eyes, so like the eyes of a sweet natured dog that has been beaten all hurt, fear, and confusion. “Oh my dear Jester, what has happened to you?” she asked reaching out to brush away his tears. The Jester shied away from her touch, shielding his face with hands that were mangled and bloodied. “Oh my Lady I cannot say, there are things in this place that you should know not.” Princess Kristen gave the Jester her commanding stare #46 reserved for victims reluctant to tell their princess what has happened to them. The Jester saw this stare and his heart and will broke. He fell to his knees and weeping told the Princess what had happened. The Evil Queen of the Land of the Ivory Towers, the very same woman who had presided over Princess Kristen’s final test, had called the Jester into her chambers. Once there the Evil Queen asked the Jester to join her in various acts of carnal debauchery (the details of which will not be said, but the Jester felt certain that a person shouldn’t do to a bunny rabbit the things the Evil Queen asked him to). When the Jester refused she punished him with her evil magic powers and an electric nose hair trimmer. The Jester had fled and that was when Princess Kristen found him. Princess Kristen was livid, her face getting redder and angrier as the poor fool spoke. The Princess had not been this angry since the last time she had tequila and some bitch messed with her weave forcing Princess Kristen to slap a ho and the Princess was pretty sure that she was ready to slap a ho now too. The Jester, who had been there for the whole tequila-weave incident, could see what Princess Kristen intended and reached out with one of his ragged and bloody hands, putting the decrepit appendage on her shoulder to stay her. The Jester looked into Princess Kristen’s eyes and spoke to her, spoke from his heart. “Oh my dear, kind, beautiful, and noble Princess,” he began. “One such as I is not worthy to serve one great as yourself and such a simple fool as I is no reason for you to attack the Evil Queen and get yourself dead. It was a folly of my own making, all my fault, I’m sure I deserved what she did and if I wasn’t such a fool I would know what I had done. But please whatever you do not go after her, she is evil and powerful and I could not live with myself if something happened to you on account of me.” Princess Kristen restrained herself, at least temporarily, for the Jesters sake. She looked at him, his round cheeks smeared with tears and blood, flushed red form the crying and the moment she felt empathy and love for him, in the same way she felt love and empathy for all the simple minded creatures in this world. “Jester,” she said at last. “What are you going to now?” “I am a simple fool and this land is no place for me, I will go back to were I belong with all the others who can’t do what they’re told or learn to think like everyone else. Is it not said ‘you can lead a fool to knowledge, but you can’t make him think’?” Princess Kristen smiled filling the Jester with light so bright that it drove away the darkness the Evil Queen had filled him with and he felt truly at peace. “Oh dear Jester, I will miss you, but you must do what is best. Go with my blessing on one condition.” “Condition, my lady?” “Yes, you must write and come to see me as often as you can.” The Jester, who had begun to look worried, smiled with relief. “As you wish.” Princess Kristen let several days pass from the time of the Jester’s departure before she went to confront the Evil Queen. The Queen’s palace was in the center of The Land of the Ivory Towers, where it sparkled and gleamed. It like all the structures for those who where in the land not seek knowledge, but to bestow it; a large ivory tower, but it was the tallest of them all and had been covered in platinum and diamonds so that it sparkled and glared in the sun. The massive structure was surrounded by a great square and its massive double doors were guarded by the elite Royal Krunksters. It was these Royal Krunksters who stopped Princess Kristen as she attempted to storm her way into the palace. The guards were dressed in the official uniform of the Royal Krunksters, helmets cocked at an odd angle, pantaloons sagging, and armored chest plates. The Krnuksters on the gate crossed the halberds as Princess Kristen reached for the doors. They eyed her before finally one of the guards, the one on the left, finally came up with the appropriate clichéd question. “And just where do you think you’re going, missy?” Princess Kristen glared at the guard who had spoken, thinking that apparently the Land of Ivory Tower’s knowledge and wisdom was not transmitted by osmosis because these two are idiots. “I don’t see how that is any of your business, peasant,” she sneered. The Royal Krunkster who had spoken sniffed and spat in a contemplative way before speaking, “Well, you see, Princess¸ peasants we may be, but we’re also the ones who keep people without an appointment from entering the Evil Queen’s palace you see. So, do you have an appointment, Princess?” “Well, no, not exactly an appointment, more an urgent need to slap a ho…” The Royal Krunkster who seemed to be in charge, scratched his chin while muttering “Urgent need to slap a ho…” before he finally said, “I think all urgent needs to slap a ho have to be cleared by Sir Jonathan the Small, head of the Royal Krunksters, follow me.” Princess Kristen followed the Royal Krunkster inside the massive palace doors while his partner stayed to make sure unauthorized persons were severally inconvenienced on their way into the palace. They walked along hallways with lewd statues and pornographic tapestries, which were occasionally interrupted by paintings of unspeakable evil and violence. The flooring was polished to such a shine that it reflected everything, including what was under her dress, which Princess Kristen was sure was the intended purpose of the floor. Eventually the Princess and her escort reached another massive set of double doors. The Royal Krunkster who had been leading the way stopped and knocked. They waited several seconds and then a loud booming voice yelled, “Yeah?” “It’s Big Sam sir, from the main gate, and I have a princess who was trying to enter the palace without an appointment. She claims she has an urgent need to slap a ho and so I brought her to you. Should I show her in?” the Royal Krunkster asked. There was a pause of several seconds and then the voice of Sir Jonathan the Small yelled again, “Okay.” Big Sam opened the imposing double doors and Princess Kristen entered a large hall. There was red carpet at her feet that lead to a throne where a man sat looking at her imperiously. Princess Kristen had only taken a few steps inside the room when the doors closed behind her, the sudden sound causing her to jump in surprise. The man sat in his throne enjoying her discomfort. He was dressed in red ermine robes with black and white leopard fur trim, in one hand he held a mighty scepter and in the other an ornate chalice while a modest gold crown rested on his head. Prince Kristen was fascinated by the way the man’s ebony skin was exaggerated by the ivory of the palace walls and she briefly wondered how her own mocha colored skin was affected by the walls before realizing that it was not important. Sir Jonathan the Small stared at Princess Kristen for so long that she began to feel uncomfortable, as if every atom of her being was being inspected and judged. Finally Sir Jonathan spoke, “My dear princess, I have been informed that you feel you have an urgent need to slap a ho, before I can allow this I most know your name and why you feel you need to slap a ho.” Princess Kristen stared at the floor and shuffled her feet while her hands fought to subdue one another. “Well, sir, my name is, uh, Princess Kristen, sir, and I feel I need to slap a ho, sir, because, uh, well you see the Evil Queen hurt a very good friend of mine very badly and I think she oughtn’t have done that you see.” Sir Jonathan stared at her for many moments while rubbing his chin before he spoke, “Let me see if I have this straight, you have come to the Evil Queen’s palace, demanded entry because of an urgent need to slap a ho, and the ho whom you wish to slap is the Evil Queen herself?” “Yes sir.” Sir Jonathan burst into a raucous laughter. When his laughter subsided he spoke again, “Well my vicious vixen of vengeance, this I must see. I grant your desire solely because it amuses me, but listen to my warning before you continue; the Evil Queen’s sense of humor is almost non-existent while her sense of whoop ass is endless.” Sir Jonathan the Small led Princess Kristen through a maze of hallways until they reached another set of massive double doors where Sir Jonathan knocked before entering, leaving Princess Kristen to wait. As she stood in front of the massive doors she stared at them, in doing show she realized they were not normal doors. These doors she realized were shaped like giant penises, tips pointing to the heavens. The realization made the Princess blush, but her resolve deepened thanks to this further display of the Evil Queen’s depravity. After several minutes Sir Jonathan remerged from the massive penis doors and beckoned Princess Kristen inside. The room she entered was massive with a vaulted ceiling so high that clouds obscured the top. The walls were covered in intricate relief carvings of sexual depravity and violence. The room itself was filled with carpeting and pillows with a massive throne upon which the Evil Queen sat. Princess Kristen did not notice any of this at first, or even the Evil Queen, she was instead distracted by the massive fleshy, roiling orgy that was occurring on every side of the walkway that lead to the throne. Men, women, children, and farm animals all one massive sweaty pile of hedonistic copulation, Princess Kristen found herself simultaneously repulsed and slightly aroused. That’s the Evil Queen’s power she thought, she’s attracts you even when you know she holds nothing, but doom and damnation. Princess Kristen stopped at the foot of the Evil Queen’s throne and the Evil Queen smiled with ruby red lips at the Princess’ obvious discomfort among the sweaty heaving piles of hedonistic copulation. The Evil Queen was wearing a dress common among evil queens everywhere; hem line down to the ankle with a tall wide collar. But there where not so subtle differences in deference to the Evil Queen’s own proclivities; this dress was of black skin tight leather and the neck line plunged so low it was in danger of becoming a robe. The Evil Queen glanced at Sir Jonathan the Small standing at her side before speaking to Princess Kristen, “So Sir Jonathan tells me you think that I have committed some misdeed against one of your little friends for which I must be taught a lesson. Even if this is true it is foolish of you to think that you stand a chance at ‘slapping a ho’ when the ho in question is me.” Princess Kristen stared at the Evil Queen with such defiance that Evil Queen began to laugh. “Laugh now,” Princess Kristen told her. “Because you won’t be laughing when I claw your eyes out, bitch.” The Evil Queen stopped laughing and rose to her feet in one grand, regal, angry, and above all sexy movement. “Very well, prepare to meet your doom little girl,” the Evil Queen shouted as flames of deepest purple shot from her hands towards Princess Kristen. Princess Kristen rolled to avoid the flames, singing her dress, and came up firing green lighting from her fingertips. The Evil Queen side stepped this attack in a lazy movement meant to indicate her contempt for such a weak volley. Then the Evil Queen began striding down the steps to her throne as Princess Kristen searched from some sort of cover that wasn’t occupied by someone’s ass thrusting furiously in pursuit of orgasm. The Queen pressed her advantage by summoning flying dildos with mouths full of razor sharp teeth to appear and begin to dive bomb the Princess. The flying dildos snapped at her as she weaved and dodged, occasionally leaping a human pile to avoid the vicious love toys from Hell. Princess Kristen ran through her mind all the things she had learned thus far in the Land of the Ivory Towers to think of something to counteract the Evil Queen’s spell, but with her attention diverted she tripped over what looked like one of her roommates involved intimately with a goat. In an instant the demon dildos where on her, tearing at her robes as she flailed her arms in a vain effort to protect herself and she could her the Evil Queen’s cold callous laughter. Thus spurred on the needed spell came to her and she summoned a squadron of miniature nuns, each flying with the wings of their habits, and each armed with razor sharp rulers that they used to behead the demon dildos before flying to attack the Evil Queen. The Evil Queen was now herself forced to run for cover, achieving a speed Princess Kristen would not have previously thought possible in fuck-me-pumps. The Evil Queen found sanctuary behind her throne and before the flying nuns of pain could administer their lesson they were struck down by the Queen’s counter spell, acid spitting scientists. The scientists spat their acid at the flying nuns like an exterminator praying wasps and one by one the nuns fell. When the last of the nuns had been sent back to the magical ether from whence they came the scientists turned to advance on Princess Kristen. The Princess had to think fast in order to counter the Queen’s latest parry, she flourished her hands, muttered the incantation, and ninety nine killer squirrels appeared. The squirrels ran up the pant legs of the scientists, gnawing with viscous abandon before the scientists disappeared in a cloud of smoke. The Evil Queen screamed in rage at this and stamped her foot. “Enough games, now I end it,” she shouted. With that the Evil Queen flourished her hands in some of the grandest sorcery the Princess had ever seen, all the while muttering incantations under her breath. The massive penis shaped oak doors began to shutter and rock, soon the whole palace was shaking from the force of the doors. Then, finally, the doors broke free leaving the doorway a hole of crumbling stone in their wake. The doors next seemed to defy gravity briefly before sprouting legs and advancing on Princess Kristen with footsteps like thunder. Princess Kristen stared at the giant walking penises, which had to be at least sixty feet high and forty feet across each. She began to back away from the impending doom that was slowly stomping towards her, when she tripped over the hem of her dress. Her mind raced trying to find an answer to sixty foot tall killer penises, but none of her instructors had ever covered this. At last she came upon one spell, a mad desperate chance of a spell, but one that just might work. Princess Kristen summoned all the magical energy she had left and began flourishing like she had never flourished before and incanting like she had never incanted before. The Rabbi was massive, at least 720 feet tall, and he was holding a scalpel. When the Rabbi spoke it was like thunder rolling through a valley or explosions in a cathedral. “Anyone ready for a circumcision?” the Rabbi asked and with that the giant penises fled back to the shattered hole they had vacated and became doors once more. The Evil Queen stared on in horror as she saw the best bit of magic she had ever been able to do was beaten by a neophyte. “No, no it can’t be,” she muttered as Princess Kristen advanced on her. When she was standing even with the Evil Queen, Princess Kristen pulled her arm bag and paused. “This is for the Jester, you bitch,” she said and slapped the Evil Queen as hard as she had ever slapped anyone. The slap spun the Evil Queen to the floor where she lay clutching her face howling in agony. The Queen’s skin began to smoke, then boil, and finally to runoff of her bones like a melting candle. Her bones when exposed to the air burst in violet flames. When all the smoke had cleared and the screaming stopped all that was left of the Evil Queen was ash, a pool of disgusting gloop, and of course her scandalous dress. With the Evil Queen Princess Kristen’s life returned to normal. She still saw the Jester when she could and they talked regularly. The Evil Queen was replaced by a new Evil Queen almost identical to the one Princess Kristen had vanquished. All was right with the world. But then one day it came time for the Princess to leave the Land of the Ivory Towers. The Land of the Ivory Towers was only a temporary home for all but those who cannot function in the rest of the world and has little connection to life beyond its borders. For someone to truly live they must take their ceremonial sheepskin and go out into the world. For most, their time in the Land of Ivory Towers is only four years, some stay longer though and Princess Kristen was one of these lucky few, but even for her the time had come. Like many people coming out of the Land of the Ivory Towers, Princess Kristen took a job with PaGaN™. The Princess was fortunate that PaGaN™ had their headquarters in her homeland so she could be near family and friends and still working for the elite of the company. It was all a dream come true, at least until her first day and the weird things began to happen that made her think joining PaGaN™ was not the best decision she had ever made. Princess Kristen’s first day started by meeting her new boss. Jackson Greed was the Executive Vice-President of Third World Exploitation and Princess Kristen thought he looked like he had died sometime in the past century and no one thought to tell him. Greed’s face was a pale mix of purple and green blotched together like a Jackson Pollack painting. Parts of his skin seemed to be missing, but she tried to dismiss this as not possible and a trick of the light. Unlike many executives of highly successful multinational corporations, Greed’s suit was ratty and tattered as if he had been buried in it, dug his own way out, and had been wearing it ever since. When Greed spoke his voice was a strained raspy monotone as if someone was speaking using a computer through an intercom and the whole thing took a monumental effort. “You seem to be well qualified for the position. Do you have any questions before we begin the orientation?” Princess Kristen stared at the man; he had an odd jerking flow to his speech, which left a disconnection between each sentence, as if they had been constructed independently of each other. She stared at the man’s milky unblinking eyes, certain that something was wrong, but unable to pinpoint the source of her disquiet. When Greed rose and began leading her around the building Princess Kristen’s feeling that something was not right with the man grew. Greed walked like a marionette, all loose limbs jerking their way along in front of him in sad parody of locomotion, as if he were attempting to imitate John Cleese in the Monty Python skit “The Ministry of Silly Walks”. The man’s mode of locomotion made it difficult to focus on what he was saying and the part of her brain that was hearing his words kept trying to inform her that they were just as unsettling as everything else about the man. “Here we have the employee brainwashing center, and here is accounts payable. Over there is the soul removal center where employees souls are removed to be served to upper management in our executive commissary and this s the IT department. Finally as you probably guessed by the smell of brimstone and rotting flesh, this is the Human Resources department. I will leave you in the capable hands of John the Leper, who is in charge of employee initiation.” Princess Kristen snapped out of her own thoughts and realized that Greed was gesturing to a man dressed in black rags and based on the hunched posture, the pestilent smell, and most of all the bits of flesh falling off, the man was a leper. The man’s face was hidden behind rags wrapped around his head like a balaclava, but the man’s eyes were visible. His eyes contrasted with the rest of him; life and vitality shining out against the man’s outer death and decay like a healthy root showing through a cavity ridden tooth. As Greed left Princess Kristen with the man, he stuck out his hand, “As Mr. Greed told you, my name is John the Leper and I am the Human Resources administrator in charge of employee initiation.” “Princess Kristen,” Princess Kristen said, extending her hand with some trepidation, fearing that in the hand shake to follow she might come away with more fingers than she started with. When the shake did come she was both relieved and repulsed to feel not the crisp, brittle flesh one associates with the living dead, but the squishy, oozing flesh of the near dead. John the Leper smiled with his eyes and led Princess Kristen to a small cubicle before sitting behind the desk and gesturing for her to take the chair opposite. “Well Princess Kristen, we here at PaGaN™ like to consider ourselves cutting edge, always with an eye on the future. As such most of our employees come to us directly from the Land of the Ivory Towers as opposed to from another company. We especially like those who show great promise such as you. That being said there is a learning curve and it begins with watching some training films in our brainwashing center.” “Um,” Princess Kristen said hesitantly. “Mr. Greed mentioned that, um, I’m not really that into ‘brainwashing’ as such. I like a healthy layer of dirt on my mind actually, so thanks, but no thanks.” John the Leper laughed causing one eye to jiggle in its socket in such a way that Princess Kristen was sure it would fall out any moment and just hang there by the connective tissue. John began to regain his composure and the eye remained in place when he spoke, “Ah, yes, we sometimes get that reaction, but it never fails to give me a laugh. We call the room our brainwashing center as a bit of a joke; it’s just training for new employees.” Princess Kristen tried giving him her “I-Believe-What-You-Just-Told-Me-About-As-Much-As-I-Believe-Monkeys-Fly-Out-My-Butt” stare, but the effect seemed to be dampened by the fact most of The Leper’s face was covered. In defeat she sighed and followed John the Leper to the brainwashing center still determined to keep her brain nice and dirty. “If you’ll sit here, we’ll get you hooked up and then we can start.” Princess Kristen stared at what she was forced to call a chair because she was being asked to sit in it and it was preferable to think of it as a chair then “a group of midgets glued together into a chair shape”, which was closer to the truth. She sat down very carefully, trying to put as little of her weight as possible onto the “chair”. Once she was seated the Princess examined the “chair” closer as John the Leper attached suction cups and tubes to various parts of her body. As she examined the “chair” she watched one of the “what she refused to believe were really midgets” blink. This may be the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen, she thought to herself before focusing her attention onto what John the Leper was doing. The Leper had connected suction cups to her head and several other points on her body, to the suction cups he had attached tubes, which, as Princess Kristen watched, he was attaching to an ominous looking “thing”. The “thing” was shaped like a machine or device of some kind, but seemed too organic, all moss, vines, and ooze. As she watched the “thing” pulsed slightly and the pulse sent a chill down the back of Princess Kristen’s spine. John the Leper finished connecting the last tube, turned to the Princess and said, “We’re going to stream what we call ‘training films’ directly into your brain, but don’t worry the whole process is safe, it’s all fueled by Satan©.” And with that he flipped a switch that looked more like a twig than anything else and left the room. Almost as soon as John the Leper left the room the “thing” started burble and pulse, undulating in a bizarre manner while beginning to emit an odd wheezing hum. Instantly the room disappeared from Princess Kristen’s vision, replaced by that of a small office. She was seated behind the desk and sun was shining through the window. A disembodied voice began to speak, “Welcome to PaGaN™ Vicarious Realism Training Program® Fueled by Satan©. In this program you will learn…” Princess Kristen began to ignore the voice standing up to explore the new space in which she found herself. She walked around the desk to the door and tried the handle, but to no avail. She went back around the desk and sat down. PaGaN™ wasn’t run by a complete bunch of idiots she realized, why build an entire world when all you want is the office? Princess Kristen glanced out the window and knew that even if she could get out that way all it would lead to would be that small patch of outside land. This world consisted of the office and the things outside the window and nothing else. So with time and nothing more interesting to do she took a nap. When she awoke time had passed, probably a lot, but she was unable to tell just how much because she was still in the office and the sunlight was in the exact same position as when she had fallen asleep. The disembodied voice was still speaking, but she could tell from its tone that it was wrapping up. She continued to ignore that voice and focused on a new voice faint, but audible the voice of John the Leper. “She has been under all day, sir, standard protocol for new recruits. By the end of the week she be just another soulless zombie ready to your bidding,” John the Leper told someone. A new voice responded to the Leper’s statement, “Excellent, you have done well. With Princess Kristen under my control I will be able to emerge as supreme ruler of all the 62 Kingdoms, 56 Protectorates, and 12 Amalgamated Nation States…She can’t hear us, right?” “Oh no, she’s still in the brainwashing program. She’ll come out when I turn the VR program off.” “Good” Brainwashing program, Princess Kristen thought her brain felt normal, but then again John the Leper had assured the other voice that she couldn’t hear them either and she could. That second voice scarred her, scarred her not because of what it said, but because it sounded like 56,542 demons from the deepest darkest pit of Hell all speaking at once. The Princess felt that she may have to something if she wanted to save the 62 Kingdoms, 56 Protectorates, and 12 Amalgamated Nation States, and when she was done with that she would suggest they get a better name because this one was kind clunky. John the Leper brought Princess Kristen out of the Vicarious Training Program® and told that they would move on to the second stage of the program tomorrow. As she headed home, the Princess walked through the forest and noticed a rather odd tree. It had a door and windows and a sign hanging from one of the branches that read “Honest Justen’s Magic, Medicine, and Adult Boutique”. She was not surprised to see the tree with its door and windows; she just never thought the elves who had run a bakery in the tree for hundreds of years would ever sell the place. Out of curiosity she went into the shop. The shop was filled with shelves, some containing fantastic items like crystals that contained explosions waiting for the user to through the crystal releasing the explosion and talking heads, while other shelves held bottles of medicine and curing powders for everything from headaches to things that claimed to make someone “longer” or “harder” to things that would clear up anything someone caught after using the “longer-harder” ones. One side wall of the main room had a beaded curtain that Princess Kristen supposed led to the “adult” section of the store. There was also a counter and a doorway leading to the back, but no visible employees. Princess Kristen had just started to browse the wonders the store contained when she heard the beads rattling from the “adult” section and turned to see the Jester emerging backwards pulling a mop and bucket along with him. At the site of the Jester the Princess squealed in delight causing the Jester to spin around suddenly, tripping himself with the handle of the mop, and falling to the floor in a great heap. The Princess came over to help the Jester up off the floor and give him a hug. “Oh my dear Jester, what are you doing here?” she asked once the Jester was back on his feet. The Jester smiled that shy, slightly confused smile of his and said, “Merrily isn’t it obvious? I am a jizz mopper now,” and pointed to his mop and bucket. “A jizz mopper?” “Yes my Lady, we have these private booths with magic parchment and when a gentlemen enters the booth he puts a gold coin into the slot next to the parchment and the parchment begins to show him a scene of carnal delights. Since these gentlemen are alone they tend to…” “I get the idea, thank you, but why are you doing this?” “For truth my lady it is all that such as I is good for, but my new master is very nice to me.” It was at that moment that man emerged from the back, he was of average height but heavy set with wide shoulders and skin even dark than the Princess’. The man was carrying a stack of boxes and could not see the Jester or Princess Kristen, as he walked he yelled, “Jester you good for nothing sack, where are you? Damn it I need you to carry this shit its heavy!” At last the man reached the counter and set the boxes down and that is when he saw the Jester and the Princess. The man’s face lit up and he put on a smile, “Ah Jester why didn’t you tell me we have a customer? If you care to step over her ma’am, away from the idiot, he’s filthy and that foolishness of his may be contagious, we keep him on as charity.” Princess Kristen smiled at the man, but did not move and if the man had known her better he would have realized that the smile meant trouble. “And what is your name good sir?” “Justen of the Cheers my lady. You haven’t fed him have you? We have a sign somewhere about not doing that.” “No I haven’t fed him, but I’m not a customer, at least not now.” This last statement caught Justen of the Cheers off guard, “That’s good, you give him food once he only wants more…Excuse me what was that about not being a customer?” “I am not now, nor will I be customer of this establishment,” Princess Kristen repeated putting her hands on her hips and setting her stance. The Jester read the signals and ducked to the floor, trying to hide behind the mop and bucket. “Then what are you doing here slut?” Justen of the Cheers asked now all bravado and indignation, the friendly storekeeper persona dropped. “I was walking home from work and saw this store, curious I came in, and found that my dear friend the Jester was working here…as jizz mopper! This is unacceptable!” “Listen lady,” Justen of the Cheers told her. “I made a deal with the elves who sold me this place that I’d try and find something for the moron over there to do and jizz mopper is the only job he can do without screwing it up to bad.” The Jester spoke from the floor, “This is true my Lady and it is not that bad especially if I keep most of the sticky off me.” “STAY OUT OF THIS!” Justen of the Cheers and Princess Kristen shouted in unison before falling into a knock down drag out brawl. Later Princess Kristen and Justen of the Cheers sat on the shop floor leaning, their backs leaning against the counter, each holding a bottle of beer. They were now both the worse for wear with bruises, scratches, and blood to go along with their torn and rumbled clothes. They sat in silence for a while, the silence of two people whose camaraderie was forged in recent mortal combat. Eventually the silence was broken by Justen of the Cheers, “So what corner do you work on, slut?” “What?” “You said earlier that you were coming home from work and so I was implying you were a hooker by asking what corner you worked while at the same time getting you to tell me where you work.” “Oh, I work for PaGaN™, today was my first day.” “PaGaN™!” Justen of the Cheers exclaimed. “You can’t work for PaGaN™ they’re run by Mr. Scratch who is determined to turn all his employees into soulless zombies so he can become supreme ruler of 65 Kingdoms, 56 Protectorates, and 12 Amalgamated Nation Sates!” “Yeah I heard John the Leper talking with someone about that today.” “Did they sound like 56,542 daemons from the deepest darkest pit of Hell all speaking at once?” “Yeah.” “That was Mr. Scratch. How did you hear them without them knowing?” “I was in the Vicarious Realism Training Program® and they thought it was impossible to hear them.” “It is impossible.” “Well I did.” “Ok, but are you brainwashed?” “I don’t feel brainwashed.” “Then you must be immune to the strange and mysterious powers of Mr. Scratch.” “What are these powers?” “No one knows that’s why they’re strange and mysterious, damn it! Now this story is running long so shut up and listen, go to work tomorrow and confront Mr. Scratch.” “But why me?” “Because you’re Princess and it’s your duty.” When she got home that night, the Princess looked up Mr. Scratch on Wikedpedia using her crystal ball. The man had rarely been seen except by those most loyal to him with in the company and those few brave or suicidal enough to search for him never returned. Since he had taken control of PaGaN™ five years ago the company had gone through massive changes, including snapping up almost everyone who left the Land of the Ivory Towers with their sheepskin and a letter of recommendation. The company fired all the people who had been there before Mr. Scratch came to power replacing them with Mr. Scratch’s personal drones and youths fresh from the Land of the Ivory Towers and still wet behind the ears. Now that she attuned her mind to the situation, Princess Kristen could hear the spirit of her 65 Kingdoms, 56 Protectorates, and 12 Amalgamated Nation Sates calling out to stop the abuse of the land and the people. She realized it was her duty as to stop Mr. Scratch and PaGaN™ however flimsy and hastily put together the plot. Princess Kristen did not go into work the next day, but stayed home making preparations for her attack on the omnipotent corporate evil of Mr. Scratch and PaGaN™. That night she crept up to the PaGaN™ building, its moon and stars logo glowing much brighter than the real moon and stars ever could. She was creeping up to a side door with her lock pick imps when she thudded into something solid and warm that she didn’t remember being there the last time she had been near this door several days before. The Princess rubbed her head while cursing and fumbling around in the twilight for her lock pick imps, only to stop when she realized that another hand had crept into her field of vision. The new hand appeared to also be groping for imps, which by now were miles away and still cursing about imp abuse, the new hand also seemed to be attached to someone cursing and rubbing their head because they had run into something solid and warm that they didn’t remember being there the last time they had been this door several days before. Uncertain of what to about the stranger who seemed to have the same plan she did, Princess Kristen took a deep breath and said, “I think we are both out a set of lock pick imps, they’re long gone by now.” The other figure jumped back in surprise while saying, “Holy fuck monkeys!” Princess Kristen giggled into her hand, the shadowy figures voice seemed to be male and had a nice shape…no, she shook her head trying to regain focus, stop evil corporation now, get laid later. “My name is Princess Kristen, who the hell are you?” The figured straightened and was now standing in the dim light of the fairy lamp attached above the side door and now Princess Kristen could understand why she had been unable to see the shadowy figure until she bumped into him. What she had taken for a person whose appearance had been hidden by shadow, was in fact a person whose appearance was a shadow. As she had noticed earlier the figure had a pleasant shape or outline, but there was no definition, while three dimensional it lacked detail. The mystery man had a face and yet at the same time no face at all, where a face would normally be was two small golden slits approximately were eyes would be and another golden slit that reformed it self as the figure spoke in a parody of a mouth. The entire effect was horrible and beautiful at the same time the way a super nova might create the world’s greatest sunset as you watch a live feed of the people being destroyed by the explosion. It was at this time that Princess Kristen realized that while her mystery man was talking she had no idea what he was talking about. She cleared her throat, “Excuse me can you repeat that?” The shadowy man sighed and when he spoke it was in a voice that reminded the Princess of Antonio Banderas. “My name is Roman Ticlead IV. And to save time I will answer the questions you were getting ready to ask.” “Thanks, that’s very helpful.” “No problem. I am the fourth in my family to be a romantic lead; we are shadowy with no set features because it is still unknown what your true love will really look like.” “And the accent?” “Ah yes, finally I sound like Antonio Banderas because it adds an air of mystery and sensuality to everything I say.” As he finished Princess Kristen realized that every time Roman spoke she gave a big happy sigh and began fluttering her eyes in his direction, she shook her head and tried to remember what she was supposed to remembering. “We…should….uh…” “Head inside and stop Mr. Scratch from taking over the 65 Kingdoms, 56 Protectorates, and 12 Amalgamated Nation Sates,” Roman stated. “Yeah that,” Princess Kristen said through a contented sigh and a fit of eyelash fluttering. Two hours twenty-eight minutes and forty-two seconds later the stood of the body of the recently vanquished Minotaur, their clothes ripped, torn, and in places singed. They were covered in grime and gore, but not in an “Oh-My-God-This-Is-So-Disgusting” way, but in a “Sexy-Hollywood-Movie-Hero-At-The-End-Of-An-Action-Movie” way. The one down side was the blood and other various fluids from the Minotaur had completely ruined the Princess’ favorite pair of Ugh boots, which is something they never really tell you in the movies. Roman and Princess Kristen were panting, staring at the entrance to a nasty looking labyrinth. Something tickled at the back of the Princess’ brain for several moments before the thought she was trying to get a handle ran up and kicked her in the shin, metaphorically speaking. “I thought the Minotaur was supposed to be at the center of the labyrinth?” Roman looked from the dead Minotaur at his feet to the entrance of the maze and then back down again. “I don’t know, maybe he came out to meet us?” “Yeah or maybe there is something worse than the Minotaur at the center of this maze.” Roman eyed the dead Minotaur and then shot the Princess a roguish smile, or at least as close to a roguish smile as you can get with no facial features. “Hey what could be worse then a Minotaur?” Three hours fifty-three minutes and sixteen seconds after they stood over the Minotaur’s body, they were running from a pack of werewolves and a flock of vampires. Princess Kristen glared at Roman as they ran. “What,” he asked when he finally noticed her emasculating stare. “What could be worse than a Minotaur huh?” “How could I have known?” “Because anytime, in any known universe, when someone says, ‘hey what could be worse than x’ they will eventually meet y which is z times worse than x. I mean come on, its basic narrative algebra.” “I’m sorry, it’s just a pack of werewolves and a flock of vampires I mean, who would have thought, its just overkill.” “We’re going to be overkilled if we don’t find the…uh…what are we looking for again?” Before Roman could answer, they rounded a corner and Princess Kristen tripped on some unseen object and was sent sprawling to the stone floor. “What the fuck!” she cried in rage and pain while reaching to grab the thing that had been her downfall. “What the hell is this?” The Princess and Roman stared at the object Princess Kristen was holding, a long golden scepter with a giant ruby ball as the handle. The ruby glowed and cracked with power, stray beams arching down the scepter’s shaft and to Princess Kristen’s hand. “The Scepter of Shock and Awe,” Princess Kristen and Ramon whispered in a reverential chorus. The horde of horrors rounded the corner breaking the spell that had transfixed the heroine and hero. Without hesitation Princess Kristen turned and pointed the Scepter of Shock and Awe at the maddened monsters, sparks flew from the crystal ball and a mysterious wind from nowhere began to blow swirling the Princess’ dress in a quite dramatic fashion. “Akefa agicma ordwa!” the Princess shouted and a blinding flash came from the scepter turning the skies crimson with golden stars and crossed hammers and sickles. When the flash died away the vampires had been turned to dust and the werewolves were now rather confused looking naked people, many of whom Princess Kristen never wanted to see naked again. She turned and heading down the path as Ramon scurried to catch up. They walked in silence passed grisly corpses and groupings of Disney cute forest animals until Ramon forced something that had been bothering him. “Why would Mr. Scratch put the only weapon that can destroy him in the maze that someone would need to navigate in order to attack him?” “Pratchett’s Law.” “What?” “Pratchett’s Law states that any villain or person with villainous potential must include at least one weapon that can bring about their destruction at their place of residence and/or work at all times. The plans for where said item shall be stored must be filed with county clerk 90 days before building may precede, pending final approval by the council general of villainous affairs and activities. Pratchett’s Law, didn’t you pay attention in school.” “Yes I did, but I never took any law courses. Besides how else would the audience accept the faulty logic of finding the weapon to destroy Mr. Scratch in his own maze?” Princess Kristen and Ramon came to a halt as they heard a tremendous crash. They turned to stare over the shattered remains of the fourth wall at the readers beyond; they both began to smile and wave. After several minutes, Roman leaned toward the Princess and through clenched teeth asked, “What now?” Princess Kristen, still waving, said out of the side of her mouth, “Keeping going and pretend like this never happened, it’s too fucking weird.” Princess Kristen and Ramon stopped smiling and waving and continued on as if nothing had happened, so did the audience, so did the narrator; the Princess had been right the whole thing was too fucking weird. Forty-five minutes later Princess Kristen and Ramon stood before Mr. Scratch, who was laughing manically, the Princess was had her hands on her hips and was tapping her foot in impatience while occasionally glancing at the clock on the wall. She spun around, “Oh isn’t that nice, the story showed up. It’s about time you were supposed to be here ten minutes ago!” Really? “Yes really!” Oh, sorry…Ten minutes earlier Ramon and Princess Kristen approached the door to Mr. Scratch’s office. The massive oak doors were carved with intricately detailed depictions of torture, murder, and other sadistic acts and thanks to the magic technology of PaGaN™ each person looking at the door saw themselves as the victim in each scene. Roman reached for the handle and just before his hand touched the knob an electric eel came out shooting out of a key hole much too small to hold such a massive eel and began viciously savaging Ramon. The Princess looked only mildly concerned after all they had been through since entering the building hours before, when she heard a small high pitched boozy laugh. She turned and a saw a yellowish fairy in a cage with blond hair and gossamer wings dressed in a scandalously short green dress that had slipped down to reveal her left breast and the right breast was in danger of escaping to join its friend in the open air. The fairy sat in Paris Hilton sprawl, legs spread showing the world that she was anatomically correct, and clutched in her left hand, a fairy sized bottle of tequila. Princess Kristen glared at the fairy and the fairy would have glared right back if she could bring the Princess into focus, in the background Ramon continued to be savaged by the eel. Finally Princess Kristen broke the silence, “So what are you? The Magic Fairy of Drunken Whores?” The fairy gave the Princess a sarcastic smile, “No little miss mega bitch, I’m Mr Scratch’s secretary.” “A drunken fairy in a cage is the secretary for Mr. Scratch?” “Yes, once I lived on an island with a boy who never aged and…” “Look we’re tight on time, so, captive drunken fairy in cage fine, whatever, how do we get in?” “See that button that says ‘Under No Circumstances Ever Press This Button’?” Princess Kristen looked next to the impressive and disturbing doors that had distracted her earlier from seeing what might be next to them and sure enough there was a bright red button with a big sign above it reading “Under No Circumstance Ever Press This Button”. Princess Kristen looked back at the fairy in the cage, who just shrugged and said, “Mr. Scratch has an unusual sense of humor.” Princess Kristen turned and stomped on the head of the eel that had been continuing to savage Ramon the entire time, the eels head crushed under the heel of the Princess’ mighty Ugg boots, causing things that nature had intended to remain inside the eel’s head to leak out. Ramon got up slowly and looked at the Princess, “It’s about time…” “Meh, shake it off and push the button.” Ramon looked from the Princess to the button and back to the Princess, “Fuck off.” “Oh come on push the button, it how we get into the office.” Roman eyed the button again, “Says who?” “Mr. Scratch’s secretary,” and when Ramon just kept staring “That drunken fairy in the cage over there, now come on hit the button.” “Fuck off, you hit the button.” Princess Kristen glared at Ramon and even gave her best pouty, I’m not getting my way and it’s making me angry stomp to no avail. In defeat she went over to the button grumbling about useless pansy heroes and pushed the button. The doors exploded outwards throwing the Princess and Ramon against the wall and showering them in splinters. The smoke and debris they could the see the black outline of a monstrously hulking figure with burning red eyes looming out the fiery darkness that was the room behind the doorway. The Princess and Ramon pushed themselves to their feet and walked through the flaming debris and into the lair of the beast. The office inside was very similar to Dante’s descriptions of Hell, so similar in fact it seemed that someone just handed them to the designer and said “Give me this”. Fires burned creating large shadows and completely failing to light the room in any satisfactory way around the edges accountants did accountancy while being subjected to cruel and unusual tortures, other than being forced to do accountancy. In the middle of the room was a massive desk and standing in front of the desk was a small man, hunched by age, with a wrinkled face and wearing a black robe with a hood over his head. The thing that real caught the Princess’ attention was that he was the whitest white man she had ever seen. “Mr. Scratch I presume?” “Yes” “Prepare to die you wrinkled old murdering bastard.” Mr. Scratch gave a wrinkled laugh of pure evil, “Good. I can feel your anger. I am defenseless. Take your weapon! Strike me down with all your hatred, and your journey towards the dark side will be complete!” Princess Kristen looked at the Scepter of Shock and Awe and then at Mr. Scratch and shrugged, “Ok,” she said. And with that she fired the Scepter of Shock and Awe turning Mr. Scratch inside out before he exploded sending parts of Mr. Scratch all over the office. Ramon looked at the mess covering the room, including the Princess and himself, and then at Princess Kristen still holding the Scepter of Shock and Awe. “Well that was anti-climatic,” he said. The Princess relaxed, the tension of the confrontation draining away, “Yeah,” she shrugged. “Oh well, let’s go.” With that Princess Kristen left PaGaN for an abrupt anticlimactic happy ending, which is the best kind of ending in this stories opinion. The End